My pathetic heist of English class

A tale of cinematic espionage featuring Will Smith

Oceans 11 (which makes me George Clooney?)

The Setup

Many years ago, when I was a mere little 10-year-old turd in a school uniform (aka: ‘mugger’s delight’), something truly traumatic happened.

My teacher, let’s call him Mr. Brockwell, committed an act so cruel, so heinous, it still haunts me to this day. He made me… read a book.

I know - horrifying.

I wasn’t illiterate, I just hated books. Tried them. Didn’t click. So I gave up.

I’m well aware that statement is a big ‘no-no’ if you don’t want to sound very thick indeed, but it’s the truth. In fact, it’s ‘my truth’ (do I get points for that phrase?)

What made the teacher’s request even more depraved, was that we had to read and present a report on our chosen book.

It was a full-blown ambush.

I was going to be exposed as a dimwit who doesn’t read. I cannot even begin to imagine how humiliating it would be to announce that publicly.

Every great heist starts with a problem. Mine was books.

The Bank Job starring Jason Statham

The Plan

As context - this was the ’90s - cheating was hard. It was pre-internet, pre-AI, and I… was prepubescent (sorry, had to complete the trio).

Despite this, I started devising a dastardly scheme. One that would enable me to continue my ignorant avoidance of books, whilst still reporting on one. Genius eh?

Cue a montage of pointing at blueprints, bribing students, teacher stakeouts and roughing up informants. I changed my name from Daniel to Vince, and swapped my school blazer for a leather jacket. And whilst in my fantasy world, I also started dating Carmen Electra, and my acne finally cleared up. Decent.

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The Town written and starring Ben Affleck

The Execution

The stage was set. A week after the teacher’s announcement of the task, he asked each pupil to reveal their chosen book.

My mate Tom:
"Goosebumps: Say Cheese and Die." (Respectable. Basic, but respectable)

Patrick:
"Lord of the Rings" (Nerd alert!!!)

Then it was my turn. Time to show my hand - and guess what, it was a full house.

Me:
"The Wild Wild West"

Yes - the book based on ‘the rip-roaring summer movie event from Warner Bros’, starring Will Smith and a massive robot spider… that shoots fire.

If you’re unsure of the quality of the Wild Wild West, here’s the exact moment the director described as ‘when they totally lost the audience’.¹

Impressively, this scene was before the robot spider appeared. Before. This scene lost people before the massive robot spider that breathed fire:

If you haven’t cottoned on, my plan was simple. So simple, I’ll abbreviate the explanation:

Me see film. Not need book.

It was the perfect (and unoriginal) crime. No reading required. Just cinematic osmosis.

A week later, I delivered my glowing review of The Wild Wild West book (what a sentence) and the captivating journey of Jim West, the desperado, rough rider, that you don’t want nada (damn, I could’ve just listened to the song!)

The heist was a seeming success, and as a precursory homage to Will Smith, I’d given an almighty slap to my English teacher (and to a certain extent, my own education).

I escaped unscathed and undetected, with a respectable C - presumably for Criminal Mastermind.

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The Final Twist

Just as I’m waltzing into the sunset, a dawning realisation hit me: Mr Brockwell knew.
Of course he knew. He had to know. It’s not even that original.

There’s no way a teacher setting some kids a reading assignment heard "The Wild Wild West" and didn’t immediately think:

"Ah. He’s just going to watch the film."

He was never fooled. He’d seen it all before. He let me get away with it.

Bravo. Mr. Brockwell. Bravo. You played the perfect game.

You either pitied me and let it slide to hide my embarrassment (thank you).

Or you just didn’t care (again - thank you?)

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Epilogue

To Christopher Nolan,

Movie rights to this story are currently available.

Regards,
Dan

1. Incredible interview from The Inside Story of How ‘Wild Wild West’ Spun Out of Control’