What if there is a heaven, but it's shit?

Fear not - I have the solution.

I’ve totally discounted the chances of me going to heaven.

And that’s not because of all the impressions me and my friends did when we were younger. I just don’t reckon it exists. (Same with hell - so at least there’s not that ballache to worry about.)

As a thought experiment however, what might heaven actually look like for me?

…and crucially, is it even possible?

[be warned: the ending of this post is cliché and shit]

My Version of Heaven

It’s a bloody massive park, with no loud music playing. There’s sun, shade and the fan fave: dappled shade. There are bean bags, a BBQ, football goals with boxed nets (Premier League style) and various lawn games like Spikeball and Mölkky.

My friends and family are there - standard. Some of them are great at throwing a frisbee too (incidentally - a version of hell would be all the above but exclusively with people who are rubbish at throwing a frisbee).

There are also about 30 dogs that come over and play at any given moment. Their turds are picked up by Piers Morgan, with his bare hands. Don’t worry - he can’t speak, except for thanking the dogs for blessing him with their faeces. That’s all he says. It’s a joy to watch.

In the distance, there are some donkeys too. They occasionally trot over for headstrokes. Ideal.

Oh, and I’ve got a Switch 2 with Donkey Kong Bananza, and a PlayStation 5. May as well bundle them in.

On the food front, I have a Deliveroo account where everything is magically free, like what I imagine their CEO has. But after eating, I somehow don’t go into an Olympic-grade food coma.

All of the above feels very blissful and somewhat aligned with mainstream ideas of heaven (I’m pretty sure the Old Testament mentioned frisbee?), but I think I’ve encountered a paradox…

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The Problem:
A Conflict of Paradises

Take the classic heavenly tenet: no pain or suffering.

My deep concern is that one of the funniest things I can experience is when my oldest friend (Adam - a tall, gangly chap) gets hit in the balls by a football. Then drops to the floor like a sack of potatoes and clutches his genitals and squirms around in total agony. My heaven can not exist without that. But there’s an undeniable element of pain he’s experiencing. And he is there as an independent real person/soul - not just a make-believe pawn in my own heaven (I asked ChatGPT, that’s how it works). And I doubt getting genitally mutilated by a football is in his version of heaven.

Similarly, I love eating crisps.

But there’s probably some tosser whose version of heaven is that they only eat organic food (farm-to-table sorta stuff). So that rules out my crisps! Rude.

Also, some people hate frisbee, so that’s out. Others might hate dogs, so they’re gone (actually, those people are probably in hell as they have no souls).

Can I even watch WWE Royal Rumble up there?! Doubt it.

What about videos where a commentator hilariously fluffs their lines (see below)? It’s not likely.

It’s all starting to sound very boring, or ‘a bit vanilla’ as an irritating person might say.

Are we aware?

Don’t forget, when you’re in heaven - you will have the self-awareness that you’re there. I can’t imagine myself playing it cool given I get excited when I go bowling. Expect yappiness like, “Excuse me, are we in heaven?! Woah - look at that thing! Can I fly? What does God look like? Grandma - you here?” etc.

But this level of chatter is probably not in other people’s idea of heaven, so I would have no choice but to speak in hushed tones and murmur, “salutations friend” to some smug hipster who got there 5 minutes before me and is acting like they’re not buzzing about being there too. Come on mate - we’re literally in heaven. Heaven! Don’t pretend you don’t care, or you’re not curious if your penis has changed. Come on - let’s all get our wangs out and shit on a cloud!!!

The Answr:
Heaven as an Oceana Nightclub

Here’s the only version that makes sense: heaven isn’t one singular homogenised boring vibe. It’s got multiple environments you can opt into depending on your mood, like Oceana - the UK superclubs that feature different rooms for each music genre. (And if you’re lucky - a ski lodge themed bar for no reason at all.)

With this version of heaven, you’d have the calm Yoga with Adriene-themed room for people who want a more vintage version of heaven. And for when the moment takes you, hop in the Jumpstyle room where Scooter is the master of ceremonies.

That way, everyone gets their own paradise without cancelling out someone else’s. It’s heaven… but with a wristband system. A place where we have the choice to do whatever brings us joy and fulfilment without affecting others.

And yes - if you think about it, maybe, just maybe… we’re in heaven already. Frisbee anyone?

(you were warned).

P.S: I’m aware this world is full of horrible things like war and famine - and by no means a heaven, but I desperately needed a neat ending.

What’s in your heaven arena?

Let me know in the comments…