The Easy Position: Get Rid of Them
It’s sickeningly easy to subscribe to anti-royalist rhetoric.
The arguments stack up neatly:
They symbolise inequality
They cost us loads of money
At least one of them is a paedo
I can’t deny those arguments. It’s an ideal position if you fancy some Temu-quality value posturing.
But there’s a nagging problem. If we did abolish the monarchy, Britain would be left… a bit more boring.
It’s like debating whether we should scrap Channel 5. On paper, scrapping it makes perfect sense. It doesn’t deliver anything vital, and its cultural impact is somewhat strange. But once in a while, it throws up something so odd that you’d miss it if it were gone - like the reality TV show ‘Naked Jungle’ starring Keith Chegwin.
The royal family is like that: a strange, slightly embarrassing national quirk. The beautiful mole on the face of Britain. Some people think it’s grotesque, others find it endearing, but either way - it’s ours.
If the only test we ever applied to institutions was “are they fair?”, the end result would be a fairer society - but also a flatter one.
Other non-sensible things we’d have to abolish include:
Eurovision
Cheese rolling
Cricket
Dogs in hats
Our society would have no eccentric flourishes. No fringe traditions. No weird stuff that makes us different.
However, there is a middle ground. One in which we can retain our strange little family, without them representing inequality.
Here are the first 5 rules to get us started…
The Answr:
The Royal Family - Reloaded
Rule 1: A Power Shift
The monarchy are not to be seen as ‘rulers’ or even ‘respected’ (don’t laugh), but as a living circus; an oddity people travel from all over the world to experience.
In essence, they work for us. Not just in their current duties, but operationally. The monarchy becomes a salaried job with responsibilities set by the people (via the government). They march to the beat of the public drum. What could go wrong?
The job includes:
A 9-5 schedule
A clear set of deliverables
Quarterly performance reviews
20 days annual leave
Cycle to work scheme
Rule 2: Relocation
Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and the rest of the royal cribs are transferred to the National Trust so anyone can have a nosey. Some of the spare rooms are treated like a village hall so the public can rent them for karate classes, car boot sales and pickleball.
The royals themselves are rehoused in decent but unremarkable townhouses. Nothing shabby - they need to keep up appearances - just no castles. Sadly for them, the Disney lifestyle ends.
Rule 3: Make Them Profitable
Like any large-scale attraction, the monarchy needs to be profitable. Currently, most research agrees it’s not.
The Reloaded model is simple: all of the expenses to keep them alive must be outweighed by the revenue they create through tourism, paid public appearances or the big one - merch.
All profits flow directly into the NHS or other public services (except Southern Rail - for they must starve to death).
If they fall short, they make up the difference through Cameo. There’s a HUGE market gap on Cameo for a royal figure. At present, there’s only one: HRH The King of Farts - a man who guffs over the loudspeaker in department stores.
Rule 4: The Opt-Out Clause
The royal job is noteworthy and stable, but not flexible. So they can quit at any time. This gives the public a licence to make the role as demanding and exploitative as we like. Much like a television show…
Rule 5: Turn Them Into a Reality Show
The ultimate safeguard: the royals’ entire lives become a Big Brother-style reality show that never ends. Not in a house, but in the real world.
It would give the public peace of mind that they’re performing their duties, and make for truly epic television. Distribution sales alone could fund multiple hospitals every year.
“Will Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor please report to the diary room?”
What rules would you make?
Let me know in the comments below…