The afternoon greeting crisis
We've cracked morning pleasantries but after noon, we’re socially feral.
"Morning!"
"Morrrr-nin"
"Good morning."
The only three greetings legally permitted before noon when you cross paths during a smug walk in the countryside.
It's more than a greeting though.
It's a micro-connection, and wonderful for mental health. Science says so:
“Even fleeting positive social interactions can improve your mood and sense of belonging.”
- Nicholas Epley, Professor of Behavioral Science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business
For a brief second, you feel part of the human race, totally at ease that strangers aren't going to snatch your phone, or worse - give you an atomic wedgie.
As a relatively reserved character, I even find myself looking for the 'good mornings'. No man is an island.
But there's a serious issue.
What the hell do you say when crossing paths with people in the afternoon?
“Good afternoon” ?
Fuck no. This isn't Charles Dickens.
Plus, it's WAY too wordy. 4 syllables!!!
No way I have time for that.
You'd be labelled a maniac.
Excluded from society.
Forced to hang out with other cancelled dissidents: Phillip Schofield, Graham Linehan, Kanye etc.
Side note: There's an INCREDIBLE reality TV show in there. You're welcome Channel 5.
What about a simple smile?
Not a chance.
I hate with a burning passion the tight lip smile, especially when it replaces an actual verbal response. It's the equivalent of a thumbs-up emoji reaction on WhatsApp, which can also get in the bin.
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So what options are there?
Option 1: "Hiya!"
Too familiar. Do I know you?! Who is that?! They're a nutcase.
Also requires a Northern accent/charm (I'm from London - where friendliness goes to die)
§Option 2: "Hello"
Weirdly robotic, doesn't feel natural.
It's missing something afterwards.
Hello... who? What? Can I help? Get away from me.
Option 3: A whispered "hiii"
Creepy as fuck.
Like a jump scare out of a Japanese horror film.
Stop giving people nightmares on walks.
(The whispered nature of the 'hii' confirms my predicament is shared. We all want to connect, but we know 'hi' feels weird, so we say it softly, embarrassed by how crud it is compared to the belowing Brian Blessed-esque power of 'Morning!')
Option 4: "Safe"
A left field throwback to the roadmen of yesteryear.
Probably my favourite of the bunch so far.
Sadly though, too niche.
Option 5: "Easy now rude boy, wagwan?"
A new favourite.
I'd be delighted if we could adopt this as our national afternoon greeting.
Defo cultural appropriation that would land you on that Channel 5 documentary.
I'm stuck
Whether it's discovering if people fancy horses, or if Game of Thrones had a worse ending than COVID - I always provide answers. I even managed to devise a way to survve off farts, but on this occasion - I've failed, and for that I apologise. I've fallen short of my own high standards.
For now, I'm rolling with option 5. Yes, that one.
Not because it's good. Because settling for anything else will allow the issue to go unchecked for years. Things must get worse before they get better.
Consider it the dirty protest of afternoon greetings.
Join the revolution - say it to strangers when you're next on a stroll.
(Or if you're so bloomin' smart, suggest an alternative phrase in the comments below.)
My manager settles on strolling past our cubicles with a monotone “happy Monday” any day of the week, anytime of day